Ladies and gentlemen, Knobs and Knobettes, Reverends, Archbishops, Dali-Lamas, Mullahs, cute furry creatures from planet Waxbucket and anybody else reading this that I have missed out…
Greetings fellow Knobbers!
It is with gushing spunks of pleasure that I present to you the latest irreverent news from Knob World:
1) Knob Grater and Knobette Angie have finally decided to embrace the adage that one Knob is better then two – one knob to rule them all and in the darkness bind them – yes, congrats on the wedding guys! – Oh, and less I forget: fantastic pics from their wedding will be posted here shortly.
2) The Oxford English Dictionary has decreed that the term ‘knob’ is in such regular usage that it deserves to be part of the English lexicon. Knob is now an official word and defined by the Oxford Dictionary as follows:
A Knob : Member of the ‘Chartered Knob Club’. The term ‘Knob’ can only be used to describe members of the original Chartered Knob Club of the Cayman Islands that was founded by two revolutionary knobs; Knob Che Lyndon and Knob Che Wasim. The term cannot be used by members of the countless other counterfeit, copy-cat and unofficial knob clubs that have sprung up in the wake of the original club. The others are imposters, charlatans, men of disrepute and questionable parsonage and not real knobs at all but wannabe knobs; a bunch of sad losers who have nothing better to do in their spare time then to plagiarize respectable folk and hard working creative Knobs.
3) For the first time ever the Knob Club will be bestowing annual ‘honorary knob’ status to a member of the human race who exhibits qualities indicative of Knobwiseness or engages in activities that promote the Knob brand. The following names have so far been put forward for this honour: Britney Spears, John Prescott, Grant Mitchell, and Buzz Lightyear.
4) The construction of Knob headquarters (Knob Tower) has finally been completed after much wrangling with the planning authorities, the religious lobby and the Chartered Knitting Club (which is next door). The Chartered Knitting Club has always claimed that we we’re blocking their view. Well, they can cotton-off the cardigan wearing cranberry juice sipping freakshows. Knob Tower is now fully erect. The state of the art building is located in George Town, Cayman Islands and features a ‘Knobamatic 2000’ in the spanking new shiny foyer for knob relief while you wait.
Not surprisingly the building has become a permanent fixture in many itineraries and a popular tourist attraction for single accountant men visiting the Cayman Islands and also features in the latest edition of the bestseller : ‘1,000 things to do before you die’. To commemorate this, our marketing department headed by Mr Wayne-Ker has released a limited edition ‘Nano-Knobamatic’ with diamond encrusted front – sure to be a favourite with bling bling Knobs from Hackney and Stoke Newington.
5) A member of the Knob Club has had their membership revoked due to unknobly behaviour:- the member in question was attempting to raise money for a children’s charity by dressing up in a knob costume – the knob court agreed that he was acting like a total dickhead.
6) Our beloved Master Knob will be venturing on a 6 month extended hippy trip across mountains, deserts, jungles, tundras, citiscapes and through hairy bushes where Knobs have not yet penetrated thus far. The trip will encompass Northern Pakistan, China, Mongolia, Tibet, Bhutan, Bangladesh, and Madagascar - where the bushes are known to be especially hairy and persistent. Master Knob hopes that the tour will be a wonderful experience, an opportunity to share ideals and ideas, promulgate the knob brand onto the natives, open up new markets for knob products, and not to mention consume foul tasting victuals and smoke a lot of stuff that does funny things to the brain – we all wish that Master Knob emerges relatively unscathed from this ordeal – especially after mud wrestling with the hairy bushes of Madagascar.
It is hoped that the tour will be as successful as his last official knob visit to Knob World in the Andromeda Galaxy; where he seems to have achieved near mythical status thanks in no part to his easy charm, effortless charisma, wry sense of humour and nobs of sex-appeal.
The Knobworld Population Department recently released figures that show that there was a 25% increase in baby birth rates exactly 9 months after Master Knobs visit. The head of the department Professor Haw-nee Scrow-Tums had this to say:
'It is most inexplicable! Either Master Knob gets around (!) or his mere presence has the affect of turning perfectly normal Knobettes into nymphomaniacs. Studies conducted in my lab under controlled conditions have conclusively shown that when knobettes (female Knobs) are exposed to photographs of Master Knob, skin conductivity increases by a whopping 20% - which is evidence of sexual arousal. Most inexplicable!'
7) Finally on a less frivolous note, a major Hollywood film studio has announced that filming will soon commence on the latest superhero flick titled: MightyKnob & MagicBush.
The movie has been billed as a sweeping love story, with epic vistas, huge sound stages, orchestral visions, a Pulitzer prize winning screenplay at its heart, and a huge phallus and bush at its poetic centre.
That is all for now from Knob World. For the latest updates on all things Knob related please visit : http://www.mightyknob&hairybush.com/.
Master Knob.
