Extract of Entry for the Lonely Galaxy Guide re: Planet Earth – (Draft)
(By: Superfly 3D Sonic, Lonely Galaxy Guide roving reporter)
***ENTRY BEGINS...
Are you tired of the regular glut of shiny happy-go-lucky destinations?
Are you totally fed up of travelling to far-flung planets only to get there and find them soiled with dirty backpackers’ underwear?
Do you yearn for something a little different?
Are you sick of smelling back-packers underwear?
Well fret (and smell) no more! Yes salvation is at hand! There is a planet (oh yes) which even the most die-hard travel scum have not yet penetrated thus far. Yes, somewhere in the Galaxy there is a haven for the brazen.
You wanna know where it is?
Well, come closer and I'll tell you:
Far out in the unfashionable end of the western rim of the Galaxy, 80 million miles from the star Sol, lies a little un-regarded blue-green planet whose ape descended life-forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think 14 megapixel point and shoot cameras are a pretty neat idea. A planet whose inhabitants are so amazingly backward that they still think that mobile phones are the cleverest thing ever; even cleverer then the first human-ape who said:
‘Mm, I think I will climb down from this tree and er, walk on my two legs and use these stones to kill things with and er rub these sticks together and ah! Fire! I have made fire! Me! Fire! Woh!’’
A planet whose inhabitants are so full of their own self importance that they believe they have been visited by UFO’s – as if anyone would bovver!
And what is the name of this miserable planet? Earth.
Earth?! Sounds dull as dishwater don’t it? Well that’s cos it is but don’t let that put you off. Dull is the new exci-thing!
Life on planet earth
Earth is a lush verdant harvest of a planet teeming with luxuriant forests and lovely trees that grow to great heights – which humans chop down with blunt axes and shape into fancy furniture for IKEA superstores. IKEA superstores are very popular with middle class human beings because they can show off their brand new cherry-lipstick sofa to their friends
Earths' blue oceans are brimming with a razzle-dazzle of life from intelligent octopods to crustaceans from giant mammals to tropical fish – which humans catch with hooks, fry with batter and then serve with chips, tomato ketchup and a lemon on top
Its rolling fields are a-blooming with smiling daffodils and grazed by docile gentle creatures called Sheep (that wouldn’t even upset your grandmother) – which humans kill, skin, butcher, lightly grill, and then serve with mint sauce
Thus it is clear that humans constitute the dominant life-form on planet earth. But it was not always thus. In the earth year of 1836, a young hairy naturalist called Charles Darwin, from a country called Eng-Land travelled the seven seas for five whole years in a wooden ship called the Beagle. Whilst watching turtles and moping about on the Galapagos Islands a thought popped into Charles's head. He tried to get rid of the thought because he knew it would spell trouble back home but it kept nagging and pestering him. The thought just wouldn't go away no matter how hard he tried. It was a thought that no other human had ever thought of before. It was the most revolutionary thought in the history of thoughts. More revolutionary then the thought that gave us the wheel, more useful then the thought that gave us the nylon underpant.
And what was this thought?
The thought was: ‘Charles, you are descended from an ape’. Thus in those six words he had discovered something remarkable that would shake the very foundations on which Man’s superiority was built. Previously humans had always believed that they had been created by a sky God who had trusted upon them the right of dominion over planet earth and its legions.
'No. No. No!' argued young bushy-bearded Darwin. 'Your God is false and actually we are descended from Apes'.
'No. No. No!' cried the God fearing people. 'You are wrong Mr Darwin! Very mistaken you are! For we are not apes! It is you who is the ape! We are the blessed creatures of God, and the universe revolves around us! So fuck off and go and sleep with your apes in the jungle!'
This rather surprised young Darwin because he was expecting people to be pleased with what he had thought. And thus the debate has been raging ever since, with it seems, no end in sight.
If only humans could take a lesson from the inhabitants of planet Roughshod, whose entire population believes that they were created when the gay God 'Halfbent' had a brief homosexual encounter with the butch God ‘Putfromtherough’. The inhabitants of Roughshod have never questioned this benighted theory of their providence and have thus spent many a millennium living a life of peace, harmony and blissful ignorance.
Habitation on planet earth
Today, most humans are city dwelling creatures who have spurned the fresh country air for a life of grime; living side by side in cramp grumpy houses with shoddy plumbing and mildewed ceilings. Houses where you can hear your neighbour next door screaming at the cat and the couple upstairs having rigorous sex. However, if they are fortunate enough to be wealthy humans they tend to live in detached housing and spend an inordinate amount of time boasting about this to their less fortunate friends and family who live in semi-detached housing. The people living in semi-detached housing also spend an inordinate amount of time boasting to their friends and family who live in terraced housing. People living in terraced housing always look down upon those unfortunate enough to live in high rise council flats. However, all the above mentioned turn their noses up to those living in Rochdale, North England
As a result of this the people living in Rochdale are thus given to wonder why everybody is sniggering behind their backs.
ENTRY ENDS***
