The Horse and Hound public ale house in Islington, North London is steeped with the accumulated crust of years of DNA. Some of the greatest thinkers the world has ever known have drunk here and no doubt left their DNA here too. A mere swab of any surface in the pub is likely to contain bits of great luminaries such as Lord Byron, Samuel Pepys, Oliver Cromwell, Mohammed Ali Jinnah, Bertrand Russell, E.M Forrester and John Smith of Macclesfield (the ‘almost’ winner of the 2004 Noble Prize in Chemistry who died a tragic death when he accidentally asphyxiated himself with his tie after a drinking session involving an inflatable sex doll and a pair of pliers) – but I digress…
Being a Londoner, I quite like a tipple myself and the Horse and Hound is no less deserving of my custom; it also has the added benefit of making me feel important due to the pedigrees that have drunken here. The Horse and Hound is also the first pub on Earth to host a most remarkable gathering of people. A gathering more remarkable then the ‘112th Annual Meeting of the digital watches are still cool club' (did they have digital watches 112 years ago?). A meeting fuller of wonderfully exciting people then the annual conference of ‘paper clip’ aficionados and more fun then the weekly meets for lovers of beetroot sandwiches. So, yes a most remarkable meeting indeed. I speak of none other then the first ‘knob-knob’ between the Galactic Knob Council and the Earthly Chartered Knob Club.
So there I was outside the Horse and Hound on a Sunday afternoon. I straightened my collars, tightened the knot in my dapper scarf, removed my Grado RS-60 headphones and swanked in…I had my satchel. I had my headphones. I had my Oyster card with £10 top-up, but I wouldn’t need it where I was going baby...and the world? And the world would never be the same again...(to be continued)
Excerpt from ‘Knob Tours’ - Tourist Brochure for Knob City in Andromeda
The headquarters of the GKC (Galactic Knob Council) is one of the most audacious buildings in the entire galaxy; or (depending on your views on Knobs), one of the most lurid. The building is colloquially known as ‘Knob Tower’. The outer structure itself was designed by the architects ‘Balls & Dickens’, and was so revolutionary that it required the invention of a new building material to enable the contractors to construct the huge knob that sits, almost elegantly, on the roof, in a pose of confidence and pointing to the stars.
Philosophers have been engaged in much academic ball bashing on the hidden meanings of the knob that adorns the roof of Knob Tower, that it is worth digressing here for a brief snapshot of some of the theories that have been propounded. Professor Edgar Kas-Tracion is firmly of the opinion that the knob is nothing less then public porn masquerading as high-art and unwittingly corrupting young minds. Members of the Jewish lobby are uproarious. Such blasphemy! What they objected to was not the knob par se, or its size, but the fact that it didn’t show signs of circumcision. On the other hand, Professor Sir Kom-Caesar is not as scathing, indeed he is rapturous and adulatrious in his remarks. For him the symbolism of the great knob on the roof is obvious, and here we quote:
“It is clear to me that the great knob pointing to the stars represents progress. But perhaps more importantly it is saying that behind every great discovery, behind every great thrust forward, behind every great man is’force de locomotion’ – the desire to impress the female species and bag a shag. Yes, sex and shagging underlies all of progress. It is sex that drives us forward and that is the genius behind the great knob on the roof of Knob Tower that looks to the stars, earnestly”
A discussion of knob headquarters would be empty without a word from an occupant of Knob Tower for their views on the matter:
“The knob yeah, my wife, she kinda likes it and all. See me, I don’t. I mean. It’s like, well when I compare mine with it; it’s not even life-size is it??! – (Snigger). What’s the point in that huh!!!” - (snigger and drooling).
Unfortunately we we’re unable to interview more cognizant occupants of Knob Tower who refused to be drawn into such an infantile subject matter...
On the eastern rim of Knob City, pass KnobDonalds, lies ‘Knob Cave’ – the sight of what is famously known as the ‘Knob Cumming’. To remind readers knob cave is the sight where 'K1' (the 1st Knob ever) gained Spontaneous Knob Awareness after spending four weeks holed up inside. The cave receives over a million visitors a year who pay homage at this most deified of sights. However, this has resulted in erosion to the cave floor caused by shoe wear and also (more disturbingly) by the theft of lumps of knob rock (not to be confused with the genital disorder). Not surprisingly the cave structure has become dangerously compromised. Engineers have been drafted in to fix the problem. One of the engineers is Dr Eric-Shun of the engineering firm ‘Doowex Booring Limited’:
“The entry of many knobs has weakened the walls of the cave; a process known in the scientific fraternity as ‘knob erosion’. We plan to stave off knob erosion by pumping the cave full of a specially designed binding agent called ‘Knob Matter’ which we hope will protect the cave for prosperity and from future knob abuse”
A few hundred yards from Knob Cave lies, what to many, is the spiritual heart of Knobkind – the church of Knobianity, where the faithful rub shoulders with fellow knobs in the Knobitual.
The knobitual won’t be discussed here as it is quite complex but Knobianity, as a creed, has received much criticism from some of the older more established belief systems, who have realized that if there’s one thing they can’t stand more then atheists, its a young, rigorous, and what they perceive as, a snotty new up-start. These so called critics also point to what they call the ‘absurd’ and ‘loony’ basis of Knobianity.
Knob members have effectively silenced these critics (who are members of various belief systems themselves) by pointing to the absurdities inherent within their own belief systems such as the following:
i) The knob critics belief in an all powerful and omniscient man in the sky who created the whole universe (matter, galaxies, Peter Andre), but lacks self-confidence and needs constant reassurance on his divine providence and needs reminding of his greatness by requiring constant worship.
ii) This same being has given men and women natural feelings and emotions (such as the sexual urge and romantic love); but when you (surprise! surprise!) act according to these he will punish you forever and ever in the fires of a nasty place called Hell...but (now for the best bit) he’s only doing this cos he loves you!
Knobianity isn’t so strange now is it?
