Next week I shall be publishing my much anticipated research paper on : 'The Anthropological Characteristics of an Asian wedding in Birmingham'
For the sake of scientific research I shall be popping into Birmingham (aka Brumistaan) for a spot of field-work at a Pakistani wedding. I hope to study the specie Homo Kashmiri in its natural habitat. Homo Kashmiri, once thought extinct, is endemic to northern localities of the British Isles. Characteristics of note include:
1) A penchant for driving down busy roads in 'souped up' vehicles with low frequency 'drum and base' sounds emanating from the windows. Apparently such machismo behaviour is designed to impress the female Homo Kashmiri ladettes - who go crazy for such testosterone overdoses
2) A most peculiar language that seems to have branched off from mainstream English. The language is popularly referred to as 'Englishtaan' and contains many unique words like 'chuddies' and 'innit'
Homo Kashmiri is also of interest to biologists who are perplexed as to how it has managed to stave off extinction for so long. Recent theories to explain this quirk range from the idea that it has survived because of strong inter-family kinship (best exemplified in the maxim: you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours) to the more fancyful idea that God has taken pity on this much maligned of species.
Homo Kashmiri can be found in pristine pockets of habitation (free from the malignant influence of outside forces) in Birmingham, Bradford, Rochdale and certain parts of Scotland (esp Glasgow). There is no fee to visit such habitats and their is currently much political activity to grant these areas 'Protected Status' - in-line with the 'African Serangetti Nature Reserve', 'The Bushlands of Swaziland' and the swamplands of the 'Bungo Tribe' in Northern Uzbekistan.
Richard Branson has also shown an interest in developing a 'Kashmirassic park' near Small Heath, Birmingham where for the price of a ticket, one can marvel at this idiosyncratic species. Afterwards, for a total immersive experience one may then frequent one of the popular 'Balti Houses' for authentic Homo Kashmiri fodder.
