My mother groaned! My father wept
Into the dangerous world I leapt
Helpless, naked, piping loud
Like a fiend hid in a cloud
What is this! What is that!
What is this thing we’re looking at?
Small, sickly, I should have died
Not for me the breath of life
The breath it came my eyes opened
Lungs roared; the hospital awoken'd
She cradled me my mother did
In soft blankets there I hid
With great feats I scuttled away
Through the ward and on my way
Down the stairs and pass the doors
This little thing; on all fours
No one noticed; no one cared
All busy; in their own little way
I jumped the bus and took a ride
In the ‘baby seat', if that’s all right?
Slid the barriers; took a train
Hid with cargo in an aeroplane
Landed somewhere called Hawaii
Then missed mummy and started to cry
The police were not, not amused
‘Miracle Baby’ splashed over the news
So there you have it; my first air-miles
Crawling, crawling; is not my style
Run I will; forever and more
Find I will; life, universe, everything
And more.
Yes, it’s that time of year again when one celebrates another milestone; another heave-ho; another mighty push, another bumbling crawl towards that distant marker that says…what does it say? My eyes are not what they used to be. Ah, yes it says ‘The End’. And unlike other types of ‘The End’ there’s no part II or sequel to this one. Is this a morbid topic for a day of celebration, for after all it is my birthday today? Yes it is a morbid topic but then I like sex and morbidity. What am I doing on my birthday? Yes, that’s it, you got it: necrophilia (sex with dead bodies) – but I digress.
So here I am, today, at this moment, in time, ready to make that crawl, that push, towards that marker. Shall we? Are you gonna help me? Good. OK, here we go: ready-steady-puuuush! Craaawl! Uggh! This is tiring Puuush! Craaawl! That’s better. Yes, the marker does now seem closer. Thank you for helping me.
Birthdays are supposed to be a day of celebration. But, forgive my ignorance for I am not au fait in human thought, why should we be celebrating a process which results in our teeth falling out, winter fuel payment vouchers from the Govt, and crushes on young nurses? Now, if I was Benjamin Button (as in the protagonist in David Fincher’s new movie), who is born an old man and with the years progressively gets younger, then I can see a cause for celebration – for life will get younger and therefore better…or am I wrong?
What if life gets better with age? What if with getting older one begins to start taking things in one’s stride and stops worrying about petty things and begins to savour, like a boiled sweet in one’s mouth, life…slowly – gradually – sucking out the taste – and not biting and devouring in one whole? What am I talking about? Fuck knows.
No, actually fuck does know. What if as you got older you could sit back and enjoy life through ‘Special Vision Spectacles' (SVSs). SVSs don’t actually exist, I’ve just made them up to illustrate my point (so don’t start asking for them at the opticians). SVSs are invisible spectacles through which you see life. But, unlike normal spectacles, these change as you journey through life. In the beginning they are foggy and you don’t see much, but as you get older, they become clearer. As you live more, see more, read more, learn more, they get clearer and clearer, until you reach an age when they are as clear as they’ll ever be for you and you’ll be seeing more clearly than ever before. For some people, their SVSs get foggier with age (they actually see less!), but these people are usually an exception to the rule.
I think the apogee of my life will be when I reach a point when I’ll be seeing through SVSs that’ll be as clear as they’ll ever be for me. But, did you know that you can actually increase the ‘perspicacity’ or ‘clearness’ of your SVSs? Oh yes by doing things. Things like what? Things like keeping an open mind, not letting yourself be ruled by capricious emotions, travelling, reading, watching cartoons, but most importantly, by just taking some time out in your day, for yourself. This morning I spent 30 min's watching blackbirds and a fox in my garden. Because of the unseasonal snow they were struggling to find food, and were sniffing away, pecking through the snow looking for grubs. The fox was so desperate that it had wandered into my garden (something it would not normally do). Has anybody thought about what effect the unseasonal snow and cold has had on the wildlife in London? We’re so worried about traffic problems and getting to work that we forget there are others too. That’s what I mean when I talk about the SVSs. There is seeing and then there is really seeing.
So, on that note it is time to say goodbye to you and goodbye to me and goodbye to this rather odd and personal entry. It almost feels like a confession: a one-to-one. So what will I be doing today? I will be spending my birthday money. Yes, everything I receive today I will spend today (why? Because I want to) and then in the evening (if I have any money left over from my birthday money) I will link up with some mates at the Horse and Hound Public Ale House in Islington, for some drinking and making merry in splendid convivial surrounds. Come and join…if you dare.
