‘Love is being in love with the idea of somebody being in love with you’
Love is selfish. Love is narcissism. Think about it. But don’t think too much.
I know this is going to sound a little crude so I hope you’ll forgive me. It is something I was thinking about the other day. A little test: if you want to know whether you ‘really’ love someone. And I mean love them for who they are and not as a device for sex, than ask yourself how you feel about them after you’ve had a wank. If your desire for them takes a nose dive than you only want them for sex! Good huh? Sick huh?
Here’s another question: What is the purpose of love? Why do we ache and suffer for this crazy little thing called love? – What is it’s (as the French so nicely put it) Raison d’être? (Reason for being). Everything has a utility function. The utility function of feelings of romantic love is quite simply procreation. I.e. babies. Let me rephrase it:
I am in madly in love with you because my brain releases certain chemical compounds when I see and think about you. These chemicals released by my brain strengthen certain neural ‘connections’ – thus leading to feelings of being helplessly, hopelessly, head over heels, madly in love with you. My brain releases these chemicals because it has been programmed to do so. I have inherited this programmed ability from the genes of my ancestors. My ancestors passed on this ability to their descendants when they had children. The ancestors that had children and thus who passed on those genes for feeling romantic love were those who ‘fell in love’ themselves.
In short: thank God my ancestors fell in love…and had children. Love is good because humans who fall in love have children. All my ancestors going back millions of years fell in love and had children. Not a single one of them said: ‘Nah, I don’t think I’ll bother’. Some people might flinch at my scientific determinism; the reducing of love down to its base principles – thus taking away from its emotional beauty. Don’t get me wrong. Love is beautiful and wonderful – probably the seminal experience of the human condition and I am not trying to degrade it here. All I’m saying is that looking at love from a different angle helps one to see it differently – giving it a new twist. Also, I may ‘know’ that the raison d’être for love is to ‘encourage’ humans to have children but that doesn’t mean that I am not affected by it. Though I can see through the screen of its trickery, though I can say ‘Oh love! I know what you're up to. You don't fool me!’, ultimately my brain is human and love affects me in exactly the same way as it affects you or anybody else.
There was something else I was thinking about the other day. It’s an interesting thought and I’d like to share it with you. The world is populated with 8 billion people. 4 billion of these are male or female. Excluding those who are too young or too old, that means that there is a vast reservoir of people with whom you could ‘potentially’ fall in love with. Yet, when you fall in love you believe that this ‘one’ person is the only person for you. That you some how managed to chance upon them and are lucky to have them! What I am getting at is the 'exclusivity' of love. Human don’t fall in love with two or three people at once – it’s usually one - one out of billions. What is the probability that you would bump and fall in love with the ‘one’ out of a pool of billions? The reasons we fall in love with that ‘one’ is not because they are the ‘one’ but because they live near us, work with us, are a friend of friends or family, that we accidentally bump into them in the supermarket. The reasons for our infatuation are more prosaic than we'd like to admit. Obviously there are compatibility criteria, but even within those compatibility criteria, there are still a hell of a lot of potential people you could fall in love with.
And yet when you fall in love you think that this is the only person for you and you’ll never find anybody else! This thought always fills me with wonder. This irrational coup de foudre. Another way to put it is to say that within the limits of compatibility, who you fall in love with is more or less out of your control! Yet ask any couple and they'll say that they were ‘destined to be’, that it was ‘written in the stars’ or that it couldn't have been any other way. The laws of probability say otherwise. The human brain is just not very good at seeing the inter connectivity of the world and how these invisible forces conspire in our lives.
In my daily life there are a whole bunch of people I could potentially fall in love with. People who are rushing by me all the time; on London’s bustling trains, buses, on the streets, in the market, serving me in the shop, in the bookshop. In a parallel universe I may fall in love with one of them. In another parallel universe with another and in yet another universe I might get knocked over by a bus…well who knows. We are slaves to forces beyond our comprehension. Like pawns in a celestial chess game we scuttle along the three dimensions of a multi-dimensional universe. Cause and affect. Love and love-lost. Paradise and paradise-lost – if we really understood these things perhaps we’d be masters of the universe? Cool huh?
I know what you're thinking. Am I master of the universe?
(wink) course I am.
I Hate Valentines Day (an exercise in alliterative distress - apologies for it's general crappyness as I've had to rush it!)
I hate valentines’ day
Cos it really sucks
These blokes with cards
Never seen so many mugs
Dairy and Milk chocolates
For their ‘other’ halves
Hope they get fat
and a kick up the ass
Am I jealous?
No, why would I be?
Hey, my life is cool man
I have Nintendo Wii!
Though I'll still wander
Like a crafty little fox
A peak tomorrow morn
Into my letter box
You never know I might
Have admirers of sorts
In Cuba, Guatemala or Burma
Gotta be in some bodies thoughts
Though I doubt very much
Doubt very much I do
The only card I’m getting
Is from Timbuktu
Oh, what’s this I found?
Some chocolates on my bed!
Wow! Let’s take a closer look
Ugh! Its rat droppings instead!
That’s just my luck you see
Please don’t feel sorry - for me
Valentine day’s not for everybody
Especially not for me
Maybe god will feel sorry
And bless my little heart
Send an angel down from heaven
With a cheap Valentines card
Though it’s not how cheap
Nor how expensive
What really counts is;
That there is at least something!
That somebody has thought of you
And you amongst billions
Am I really that special?
A grain of sand out of a trillion!
Wow! What a feeling that is
Someone thinks you’re special
And doesn’t think you belong
In a mental hospital
If I had you for a day
On Valentines Day I would;
Not buy you a present
Like I know I should:
But instead:
I'd cuddle you for two minutes
Instead of one
And listen to you non-stop
Even if you drove me nuts
Offer you two slices of pizza
Instead of the one
And let you watch TV
Yeah, watch whatever you want!
I’d cuddle you with arms
And cuddle you with legs
And just when you're thinking 'Thank God it's over'
I’d cuddle you in bed
Can you do that?
I wonder if you can
Cuddle someone forever
I don’t know; maybe I’m mad
I wonder how many cuddles
I have in me to give
Millions and squillions I bet
You watch this Valentines;
I’ll be cuddling myself to bed.
****
