I went to the doctors' today. He told me I have bipolar disorder - albeit a mild form called Cyclothymia. This is sometimes referred to as 'bipolar light'. As in COKE light.
How did I feel when he told me? Mmm, let me think. Strangely enough the first thought that popped into my head was: 'Stephen Fry has that form of bi-polar'. Later I jumped on the Internet and found a whole bunch of other famous sufferers: Mark Twain, Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath, Jimi Hendrix, and a famous painter who cut off his ear. The list goes on and on. 'I suffer from bi-polar disorder.' I say this out aloud to get the words to sink in – but they don’t, not yet anyway. Perhaps, they’ll sink in overnight and tomorrow morning when I wake up I will jump out of bed screaming ‘I have bi-polar disorder!’. It makes sense though. When I'm at my best I feel I can do anything, I can rule the world, I can win the Nobel Prize, I have a heightened sense, even a trembling branch can fill me with raptures; the world falls in love with me and I with it. I have massive highs and miserable lows.
I suppose, if anything, at least there is a name for what I have. Previously I’d thought the name was 'Wasim'. (laugh). And in the dark ages I no doubt would have been accused of harbouring demons - inside myself. What does it feel like to live with me? Er, which me? (laugh). I imagine myself going to an interview and being asked ‘So, tell me about yourself’ and I say ‘Which self would you like me to tell you about?’ – In a way – In a freak show kinda way – I feel that it’s a ‘cool’ thing to have – you know like 'I’m borderline fucked up how are you?' (laugh)
You know I think that Fernando Pessoa had bi-polar. No, he definitely did. Have you ever read his 'Book of Disquiet'? It’s the kind of shit I understand very easily – I do get it. I get exactly what he’s saying. That frightens me. I suppose, the key thing, is to harness and channel my chaotic energies into creative productions! Like this for example. It helps me. Seriously it does. You have no idea how much this helps me to cope sometimes. I suppose the biggest problem is that I don’t show it outwardly – but it is inside. I suppose I've always known. And it is my furnace. My power house. The brooding field that generates the fusion energy that powers my fingertips to tap on this keyboard; connected to a brain that feeds them ideas. So: Fingers (tap my words) – Brain (feed me ideas) – Bi-polar (is my furnace). So there you have it. My most honest and intimate blog post ever. Please keep reading. I need you.
How did I feel when he told me? Mmm, let me think. Strangely enough the first thought that popped into my head was: 'Stephen Fry has that form of bi-polar'. Later I jumped on the Internet and found a whole bunch of other famous sufferers: Mark Twain, Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath, Jimi Hendrix, and a famous painter who cut off his ear. The list goes on and on. 'I suffer from bi-polar disorder.' I say this out aloud to get the words to sink in – but they don’t, not yet anyway. Perhaps, they’ll sink in overnight and tomorrow morning when I wake up I will jump out of bed screaming ‘I have bi-polar disorder!’. It makes sense though. When I'm at my best I feel I can do anything, I can rule the world, I can win the Nobel Prize, I have a heightened sense, even a trembling branch can fill me with raptures; the world falls in love with me and I with it. I have massive highs and miserable lows.
I suppose, if anything, at least there is a name for what I have. Previously I’d thought the name was 'Wasim'. (laugh). And in the dark ages I no doubt would have been accused of harbouring demons - inside myself. What does it feel like to live with me? Er, which me? (laugh). I imagine myself going to an interview and being asked ‘So, tell me about yourself’ and I say ‘Which self would you like me to tell you about?’ – In a way – In a freak show kinda way – I feel that it’s a ‘cool’ thing to have – you know like 'I’m borderline fucked up how are you?' (laugh)
You know I think that Fernando Pessoa had bi-polar. No, he definitely did. Have you ever read his 'Book of Disquiet'? It’s the kind of shit I understand very easily – I do get it. I get exactly what he’s saying. That frightens me. I suppose, the key thing, is to harness and channel my chaotic energies into creative productions! Like this for example. It helps me. Seriously it does. You have no idea how much this helps me to cope sometimes. I suppose the biggest problem is that I don’t show it outwardly – but it is inside. I suppose I've always known. And it is my furnace. My power house. The brooding field that generates the fusion energy that powers my fingertips to tap on this keyboard; connected to a brain that feeds them ideas. So: Fingers (tap my words) – Brain (feed me ideas) – Bi-polar (is my furnace). So there you have it. My most honest and intimate blog post ever. Please keep reading. I need you.
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