Is that another beginning for your book?
Yeah! do you like it?
No
No? – what’s wrong with it?
Well, it’s a bit boring ain't it?
Boring? What’s boring about it?
Well, it doesn’t say anything
Yes it does
No, it doesn't. It says nothing interesting
Interesting! What could be more interesting then a race of beings who see shades of pink?
Yes, I know. But it doesn’t 'jump out' at you - It doesn't have that 'Je ne sais quoi'
Jump out? Je ne sais quoi?
Look, before I buy a book I always read the first line. If the first line don’t interest me I don't bother
Eh?
OK, look, the other day I bought a book from Borders yeah…
What was the first line?
OK. The first line read: ‘On a wind tossed wintry night of old, she caught sight of Mr Derek, the man destined to strangle her, in the wine cellar’
That’s utter shit!
No, it's not!
Yes it is. And I'll tell you what else. It’s clichéd, it’s tripe and it tells you what happens. Trust me it’s shit
You've not read the book
I don't need to
But it got published?
So? They'll publish anything these days
Well, it's better than your beginning
No, it’s not! My beginning is not clichéd and nor does it give away the whole bloody plot in the first bloody sentence!
Yeah, that's cos your bloody book doesn't have a bloody plot
That's unfair!
Yes it might be. But tell me 'Mr Author', who cares about pink-eyed beings anyway?
Look, they're not pink-eyed beings. They are beings who see shades of pink. That's a not-so-subtle difference
It's still a crap beginning for a book
Hey, you're supposed to be my friend! Why do you not like it? You still haven’t given me a good reason
[Pause]
I'll tell you why I don't like it
Why?
It’s the pink
What?
I don’t like pink
What do you mean you don’t like pink?!
I just don’t like the colour pink!
What? Your mad!
No, I’m not. There's lots of folks who don't like pink - You saying they're all mad?
No, that’s not what I meant. OK, forget it. So tell me what colour do you like?
Jeez. I don't know, erm, purple? blue? I like blue better. It’s further removed from pink that's for sure.
OK. So, ‘In the beginning there was a race of beings who believed the world was blue’ – that sound better?
Er, yeah, it’s better but there's still something missing
Like what?
Like a name
You what?
The race. They've gotta have a name!
A name? What on Earth for?!
Because…look this is so basic, frankly I’m surprised you don’t know. The reader needs to feel empathy with your creations. So you gotta give them a name
Empathy? With a race of beings...that see shades of blue?
Ye-eah, so? There’s nothing wrong with giving names to races that see blue, just like there’s nothing wrong with calling kids who have 'Downs Syndrome' Betty or Mustafa.
Hey, wait a minute that's different. You can't compare fantasy creations with Down Syndr...Ok, look I'm not gonna argue...what about…a name like... ‘Blueseys’?
No, not original. Besides it sounds like a gang of cheerleaders
‘Bluesers’?
No, sounds like loosers
‘Blue…’
Look, it doesn’t have to have the word ‘blue’ in it - it can be anything
Oh, OK. What about…'Triglobytes’?
‘Triglobytes! – You can’t go naming your fantasy creations names from earth! They've gotta be something unique and funny
Funny?
Yeah
What about er…’Bogeywhigs’?
That’s not funny. That’s childish and silly
‘Gangleweebs’?
No
‘Gettoblastfrizzles’
No
‘Bumfluffbuttocks’
Why are all these names related to gross bodily functions?
‘Burpalots’
No!
‘Fartalots’
No!
‘Fukkalots’
No!
‘Suck…’
Don’t!...Don’t even go there!
OK, what about 'Greamers’...
[Pause]
‘Greamers? Mmm, Ye-eah... I like that, it sounds rather like...dreamers! Now, that’s good
‘There once lived a race of beings called Greamers who believed the world was blue’ - What do you think now?
Yeah, me like, but…
Now what?
I still don’t like blue
What do you mean you don’t like blue? It was your f***ing colour choice!!!
I know, but...
OK, what about green?
No
Red?
No
Yellow?
No, No, No, All No! It's not colours we need. We need something else...
Like what?
Like erm, something not related to colour. Let me think...‘There was once a race of beings called Greamers who believed the world was…
[Pause]
‘Real’
[Pause]
Eh?
‘Real!’
Eh? Sorry, you what?
‘There was once a race of beings called Greamers who believed the world was real!’
[Pause]
Woh...
Exactly. Aren't I a genius?
That is…Woh - I like that. That is good. That is genius!
I know
You’re a genius!
I know. I just said that. Are you deaf?
That is really deep stuff!
I know
‘There was once a race of beings called Greamers who believed the world was real’ – Nice!
I know
And it's paradoxical
I know
Paradox is good
I know
Will you stop saying 'I know'
[Pause]
[Reluctant voice] But, I was thinking...
Yeah?
Can the Greamers believe the world is real and also believe that it is blue?
Why?
Because if they believe it is blue than it can’t be real – right?
Er...yeah, so?
So…if they believe it is blue and real at the same time then they must be living in self denial
Self denial?
Yeah
[Lull before the storm]
What do you think this f***ing is! Ruddy-bloody-Sigmund-Freud?! We're not talking Tolstoy here! Or The Brothers Karamazov! This is a f***ing sci-fi fantasy about Greamers who live in some poxy galaxy far, far away...and you want to give them emotions? Ergo 'self denial'?
Keep your knickers on mate! It was only a suggestion?
[Calming pause]
OK, apologies for my flaming temper. But tell me My 'Dostoevsky', why do you want to, to use the technical term, imbue them with self-denial?
To make the story more complex. You know?! Give it a heart and soul!
More complex? Heart and soul? - Why?
Why! Knock, Knock. Hello! Anybody home? Have you never heard of the Nobel Prize for Literature?
Yes, as a matter of fact I have but what has your novel got to do with it?
Well, If I'm to stand a chance of winning, fingers crossed, I need to give it layers of complexity - don't I?
Nobel Prize?
Yes!
You think your novel has a chance of winning the Nobel Prize?
Yeah, why not? When it's completed. Never say never! Always keep hope on the Bunsen Burner!
Look, if this novel, this story, this fantastical adventure you're writing, ever wins the Nobel Prize..
Yeah?
I'll change my name to Greamer...and, I'll personally move to a galaxy far, far away. How's that? But you know what? I think before that happens, you should change your name to Greamer
Me? Why?
Why? Cos you're the only dreamer here (laughs)
Oh, fuck off! You wait and see. I'm gonna win it
Yeah, whatever...Mr Greamer, sorry I meant 'dreamer' (laughs)
Oh, piss off! Dreams are meant to be had
Really? In your case they were meant to be fads! (laughs)
The End
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