So...I went!
I decided to go as I thought it would be an interesting experience for me - to attend an Asian wedding, and immerse myself in the subtle nuances and fine granulations of Asian culture. I always feel like a fish out of water at these things!
So there I found myself in a large banqueting hall, seated on round tables, sipping orange juice - whilst around me the show went on in all its pomp and splendour. Now that I think about it, the hall resembled a converted cinema. The entrance and initial hall area was higher then the stage. The stage was decorated in the usual refinements and a long white couch where the bride and groom would eventually sit and have their pictures taken with the various guests. I was seated on the table right at the end of the first section so that I was looking down on the tables in the second section. Now that I have described the hall I will now describe my thoughts. Many thoughts competed for space in my head as I attempted to make sense of the whole thing. Thoughts such as:
A large % of the people here are close genetic relations of mine. We share a common origin - yet look how wide the river bank of our differences now is. We are now like two people that began a journey together but have drifted to opposite banks of the river. The two of us are now mere pin-pricks in the distance - shouting and waving a language at each other - a language that we no longer share.
Can people who started off on the same road together become so different as the journey progresses? How is that possible?
It is possible because we are buffeted by different winds. Imagine two sail boats in the vast ocean of life. Now imagine two trade winds that blow differently. One trade wind the 'zephyr' blows hard and to the south west. The other trade wind called 'leper' blows to the north west but also occasionally blow eastwards. These two winds act on one boat and one boat only such that after a year, 2 years, 5 years - the boats will wildly differ in their position on the ocean of life. People are like that too and the winds that affect us are myriad in nature. They have names like: education, friends, books, movies, music, genes, influences, chance, necessity, darkness, light, belief etc.
So as I sit there in the banqueting hall surrounded by bangra music blaring through the speakers and an army of faces I have not seen for a while - it seems to me, that these people haven't changed at all. Or maybe they have changed and It is I that has remained still? It is a thought that bothers me all evening. Who is it that has done the moving apart? Me or them? I think it is the former, it is I, who has moved away, and they have remained stationary. I am struck by this thought and as I look into the face of the man sitting next to me - a face I recognise - I notice that he has grown greyer since I last saw him, his skin has lost some of its elasticity, his eyes have dimmed in their sparkle, his body has thinned - and the suit that used to fit him so well - the same suit - now fits him awkwardly - as though it is no longer his.
Sadness - sadness...is the underlying feeling and theme of my thoughts. I am attacked by sadness - the sadness of a past we can no longer reclaim - that what is lost. But I also feel another sadness - a sadness more profound but I struggle to pinpoint its source. Why am I feeling sad? Because I realise, in an excruciating moment of crystal clarity, that I no longer care. I couldn't give a damn anymore. This is no longer a life I recognise and these people, though we share a common origin - are strangers - albeit strangers with recognisable faces. I know this man. I have seen him countless times. He is a relation of mine. But this is all that binds us - blood and kinship. Who is he really? Beyond the face that I recognise from childhood - who is this man? And suddenly, in a moment of electric shock; as I stare at him harder, his face melts away, and I no longer recognise the face either. He is now nothing.
The other thing that strikes me is the contrast in the hall between what the children experience and what the adults see. For the children it is magical - the beautifully laid out tables, the red napkins, the purple lights, the little goody bags full of sweets, the endless glasses of orange juice and purple drink. For the children who sit around a single table - as their parents sit on another table - for the children this is great! Here they are and they can make as much noise as they want! Nobody will say shhhhush! They can sit on their own around the table - with endless bottles of soft drinks - and then be served food by an army of waiters. These are children who very rarely go to restaurants - and here they are - being served food. Chicken, fish, rice, bread, and desserts. They're having fun - they can run around - chase balloons - play hide and seek in the endless caverns. They can go under tables and play home. They can move around the vast spaces of the hall - far away from their parents - and do what they want! What a great thing it must be for a child to be at such a wedding! I catch myself wishing I was one of them - how fuller - more colourful - more romantic - more sublime - more magical - the wedding would then be!
For the adults its all another world. A world of petty rivalry and upmanship. There is little magic but only something to complain about. For adults its about pretending to be nice to people that you must say hello to because - by some unfathomable quirk of genetics - you find yourself related to them! Call me cynical but the fact is that this is a 'family' wedding and the vast majority of the people here are kin - i.e. family relations. How many people in our family do we honestly get on and have something in common with? Who are the people that you are related to, that when you see them, your eyes light up and your mouth widens in genuine affection and genuine 'looking forward to meeting'? Not many! Now imagine, putting all these people together...in a hall! The only reason there is no blood bath is because there are only together for 4 hours and the music drowns out most of what they say anyway!
For me it was similar. One idiot (wearing a baseball cap - who wears a baseball cap at a wedding anyway?!) accosted me and said "I've been watching you for an hour and you never came up to say hello to me". I looked at him startled and replied "Well I was busy taking photos". To which he mumbled something inscrutable and trudged off - I still have no idea who he was! Such encounters I suppose are expected!
For the adults its all another world. A world of petty rivalry and upmanship. There is little magic but only something to complain about. For adults its about pretending to be nice to people that you must say hello to because - by some unfathomable quirk of genetics - you find yourself related to them! Call me cynical but the fact is that this is a 'family' wedding and the vast majority of the people here are kin - i.e. family relations. How many people in our family do we honestly get on and have something in common with? Who are the people that you are related to, that when you see them, your eyes light up and your mouth widens in genuine affection and genuine 'looking forward to meeting'? Not many! Now imagine, putting all these people together...in a hall! The only reason there is no blood bath is because there are only together for 4 hours and the music drowns out most of what they say anyway!
For me it was similar. One idiot (wearing a baseball cap - who wears a baseball cap at a wedding anyway?!) accosted me and said "I've been watching you for an hour and you never came up to say hello to me". I looked at him startled and replied "Well I was busy taking photos". To which he mumbled something inscrutable and trudged off - I still have no idea who he was! Such encounters I suppose are expected!
I meet the parents of the bride and they are both happy to see me and I congratulate them on the wedding. As the party continues and the bride walks in to a round of applause - and as we are treated to whole host of sounds and tastes, I find myself going into David Attenbrough documentary mode - and pretending that I am a wildlife documentary maker in the African bush - who has just chanced upon an elaborate mating ritual!
And it does feel like an elaborate mating ritual. The groom arrives fully attired on a horse with a sword in his hand surrounded by 6 burly men all singing and dancing. They then stroll into the hall - the groom making gestures with his sword - until they reach the main stage, and then they stand on the steps of the stage - the groom waving his sword about like a phallus, and his entourage of men growling in deep voices what can only be some sort of male mating song! - This is male machismo at its prime. I am a man, and I have a sword, and with this, I deflower thee...I'm not going to go into the anthropological significance of the sword, but it is clear that male birds of paradise have fantastically bright feathers and plumage, precisely because they want to attract the best females. In fact there is a bird in Papa New Guinea that performs an elaborate 'dance' - in which it spreads its feathers to reveal the bright colours inside when it wants to attract and impress a female. We are also part of the animal kingdom and we too have our rituals!
It's all a game.
In the end its all a game - the greatest show on earth...
...life!
And what advice would I give the married couple? If they had forced me to sit on the stage with them what would I have said? How would the conversation have gone? Well let me invent a fictional conversation for your pleasure!
[wasim] "Hello"
[married couple - MC] "Who are you?'
[wasim] "I'm Wasim"
[MC] "Do we know you?"
[wasim] "Well you should. Apparently were related" at which point the bride looks at me more carefully and says "are you sure?"
[wasim] "yes, we are. Anyway since I am here lets talk about something. Lets talk about marriage!"
[MC] "OK. Go on then"
[wasim] "marriage...Mmm....what an intriguing idea....Mmm...a ritual of great interest to scientists..." at which point I am interrupted by the groom and bride
[MC] "are you a scientist or something?"
[wasim] "nope, not a scientist, but I am a philosopher of sorts...look let me give you some advice on marriage - yeah?"
[MC] "yeah please!"
[wasim] "enjoy the party today guys...it's all down hill from here!!"
I know. I know. I am so horrible. How horrible and mean spirited of me. But then this conversation never actually happened - so sue me scumbags!
And what advice would I give the married couple? If they had forced me to sit on the stage with them what would I have said? How would the conversation have gone? Well let me invent a fictional conversation for your pleasure!
[wasim] "Hello"
[married couple - MC] "Who are you?'
[wasim] "I'm Wasim"
[MC] "Do we know you?"
[wasim] "Well you should. Apparently were related" at which point the bride looks at me more carefully and says "are you sure?"
[wasim] "yes, we are. Anyway since I am here lets talk about something. Lets talk about marriage!"
[MC] "OK. Go on then"
[wasim] "marriage...Mmm....what an intriguing idea....Mmm...a ritual of great interest to scientists..." at which point I am interrupted by the groom and bride
[MC] "are you a scientist or something?"
[wasim] "nope, not a scientist, but I am a philosopher of sorts...look let me give you some advice on marriage - yeah?"
[MC] "yeah please!"
[wasim] "enjoy the party today guys...it's all down hill from here!!"
I know. I know. I am so horrible. How horrible and mean spirited of me. But then this conversation never actually happened - so sue me scumbags!
