Wednesday, October 31, 2007

On the origins of Homo Kashmiri (update)

The research paper : 'On the Anthropology and Origins of Homo Kashmiri' has been submitted for peer review. The research paper itself emcompasses data from a pot pouri of disciplines (some more disciplined then others) such as biochemistry, anthropology, archaeology, behavioural science, history, poetry, science fiction writing, and even takes some inspiration from the 'Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy' - that great repository of loonydom.

The research paper will be published after it has been carefully examined, dissected, pulled apart, put back together again, attacked with a microscope, bludgeoned with a hammer, drowned in sulphuric acid, and generally subjected to the toughest tests academia has to offer. If after such pedantic vetting procedures anything remains of this seminal piece of scientific research and beautiful prose writing, then it shall be published here.

The peer review is currently being carried out by the greatest minds and poets the world has ever known...many of whom are unable to function in polite society and are currently based in the 'Chesterfield care-home for the psychologically impaired'.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Coming soon...Me!

Foto-grafs of the Swashbuckling Vagabond...

Warning: Females may experience a certain tingling sensation and hot flushes upon perusal of the aforementioned images. This is perfectly normal and totally expected. If these physical affects are accompanied by strong emotional feelings then you are experiencing the on-set of, what is popularly known as, 'falling in love'.

Do not be alarmed. 'Falling in love' is a perfectly normal human past-time. In-fact I recommend it wholeheartedly.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Coming next week...'Research paper on an Asian wedding'

Next week I shall be publishing my much anticipated research paper on : 'The Anthropological Characteristics of an Asian wedding in Birmingham'
For the sake of scientific research I shall be popping into Birmingham (aka Brumistaan) for a spot of field-work at a Pakistani wedding. I hope to study the specie Homo Kashmiri in its natural habitat. Homo Kashmiri, once thought extinct, is endemic to northern localities of the British Isles. Characteristics of note include:

1) A penchant for driving down busy roads in 'souped up' vehicles with low frequency 'drum and base' sounds emanating from the windows. Apparently such machismo behaviour is designed to impress the female Homo Kashmiri ladettes - who go crazy for such testosterone overdoses

2) A most peculiar language that seems to have branched off from mainstream English. The language is popularly referred to as 'Englishtaan' and contains many unique words like 'chuddies' and 'innit'

Homo Kashmiri is also of interest to biologists who are perplexed as to how it has managed to stave off extinction for so long. Recent theories to explain this quirk range from the idea that it has survived because of strong inter-family kinship (best exemplified in the maxim: you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours) to the more fancyful idea that God has taken pity on this much maligned of species.

Homo Kashmiri can be found in pristine pockets of habitation (free from the malignant influence of outside forces) in Birmingham, Bradford, Rochdale and certain parts of Scotland (esp Glasgow). There is no fee to visit such habitats and their is currently much political activity to grant these areas 'Protected Status' - in-line with the 'African Serangetti Nature Reserve', 'The Bushlands of Swaziland' and the swamplands of the 'Bungo Tribe' in Northern Uzbekistan.

Richard Branson has also shown an interest in developing a 'Kashmirassic park' near Small Heath, Birmingham where for the price of a ticket, one can marvel at this idiosyncratic species. Afterwards, for a total immersive experience one may then frequent one of the popular 'Balti Houses' for authentic Homo Kashmiri fodder.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Coming soon...Calling all Knobs (Part III)

The exciting 3rd installment of the Knob Trilogy...cumming soon.
Find out what happens when our Knob Hero (me) meets the charismatic 'K3' in the Horse and Hound Ale House in Islington, North London...will they get on and raise their knobs in salute? or are we gonna see a cock fight?
Will our protagonist (me) manage to hitch a ride to the Andromeda Galaxy?
Will our dastardly, courageous, ravishingly handsome, sex-bomb of a knob (me) get to frequent the bawdy taverns and boudoirs of Knob City? (in the name of knob research)
Will our hero (me) discover the startling truth about his 'spontaneous knob awareness'?

...and the question long exercising the minds of my (cultured and educated) readers:

'Will we finally see some knob action?'
Find out in a knob blog near you soon...

Some spiel on the Chartered Knob Club for Non-Members
The Chartered Knob Club (of Earth) was set up in the Cayman Islands under Royal Charter in early 2006. Her Majesty, in furnishing the royal charter, acknowledged the need for an exclusive organisation for like-minded and socially sophisticated Knobs. The Chartered Knob Club currently enjoys the membership of approximately half a dozen male members and a couple of honorary 'Knobettes' (female knobs) and is currently ranked 3rd in the world in a recent survey of average member IQ and ranked 2nd for member satisfaction (The Chartered Knitting club is ranked 1st for member satisfaction but only because their members enjoy a life-times supply of knitted cardigans).

The Installation of the 'Knobamatic 2000' in our headquarters will hopefully increase member satisfaction scores to 1st place. The Knobamatic 2000 is a revolutionary new vacuam suction device, designed by the Swiss Company 'Sukker UnLimited' and will provide instant knob relief for knobs in stress.

Privileges of membership of the Chartered Knob Club are many (which I won't list out here) but suffice it is to say, that membership is supremely exclusive (we don't just pick any knob off the street).

If you would like to becum a member please send a letter explaining why you feel you are a knob to the following email address: duluxdreams@hotmail.com

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Calling all knobs (part II)

The Horse and Hound public ale house in Islington, North London is steeped with the accumulated crust of years of DNA. Some of the greatest thinkers the world has ever known have drunk here and no doubt left their DNA here too. A mere swab of any surface in the pub is likely to contain bits of great luminaries such as Lord Byron, Samuel Pepys, Oliver Cromwell, Mohammed Ali Jinnah, Bertrand Russell, E.M Forrester and John Smith of Macclesfield (the ‘almost’ winner of the 2004 Noble Prize in Chemistry who died a tragic death when he accidentally asphyxiated himself with his tie after a drinking session involving an inflatable sex doll and a pair of pliers) – but I digress…

Being a Londoner, I quite like a tipple myself and the Horse and Hound is no less deserving of my custom; it also has the added benefit of making me feel important due to the pedigrees that have drunken here. The Horse and Hound is also the first pub on Earth to host a most remarkable gathering of people. A gathering more remarkable then the ‘112th Annual Meeting of the digital watches are still cool club' (did they have digital watches 112 years ago?). A meeting fuller of wonderfully exciting people then the annual conference of ‘paper clip’ aficionados and more fun then the weekly meets for lovers of beetroot sandwiches. So, yes a most remarkable meeting indeed. I speak of none other then the first ‘knob-knob’ between the Galactic Knob Council and the Earthly Chartered Knob Club.

So there I was outside the Horse and Hound on a Sunday afternoon. I straightened my collars, tightened the knot in my dapper scarf, removed my Grado RS-60 headphones and swanked in…I had my satchel. I had my headphones. I had my Oyster card with £10 top-up, but I wouldn’t need it where I was going baby...and the world? And the world would never be the same again...(to be continued)

Excerpt from ‘Knob Tours’ - Tourist Brochure for Knob City in Andromeda
The headquarters of the GKC (Galactic Knob Council) is one of the most audacious buildings in the entire galaxy; or (depending on your views on Knobs), one of the most lurid. The building is colloquially known as ‘Knob Tower’. The outer structure itself was designed by the architects ‘Balls & Dickens’, and was so revolutionary that it required the invention of a new building material to enable the contractors to construct the huge knob that sits, almost elegantly, on the roof, in a pose of confidence and pointing to the stars.

Philosophers have been engaged in much academic ball bashing on the hidden meanings of the knob that adorns the roof of Knob Tower, that it is worth digressing here for a brief snapshot of some of the theories that have been propounded. Professor Edgar Kas-Tracion is firmly of the opinion that the knob is nothing less then public porn masquerading as high-art and unwittingly corrupting young minds. Members of the Jewish lobby are uproarious. Such blasphemy! What they objected to was not the knob par se, or its size, but the fact that it didn’t show signs of circumcision. On the other hand, Professor Sir Kom-Caesar is not as scathing, indeed he is rapturous and adulatrious in his remarks. For him the symbolism of the great knob on the roof is obvious, and here we quote:

It is clear to me that the great knob pointing to the stars represents progress. But perhaps more importantly it is saying that behind every great discovery, behind every great thrust forward, behind every great man is’force de locomotion’ – the desire to impress the female species and bag a shag. Yes, sex and shagging underlies all of progress. It is sex that drives us forward and that is the genius behind the great knob on the roof of Knob Tower that looks to the stars, earnestly

A discussion of knob headquarters would be empty without a word from an occupant of Knob Tower for their views on the matter:

The knob yeah, my wife, she kinda likes it and all. See me, I don’t. I mean. It’s like, well when I compare mine with it; it’s not even life-size is it??! – (Snigger). What’s the point in that huh!!!” - (snigger and drooling).
Unfortunately we we’re unable to interview more cognizant occupants of Knob Tower who refused to be drawn into such an infantile subject matter...

On the eastern rim of Knob City, pass KnobDonalds, lies ‘Knob Cave’ – the sight of what is famously known as the ‘Knob Cumming’. To remind readers knob cave is the sight where 'K1' (the 1st Knob ever) gained Spontaneous Knob Awareness after spending four weeks holed up inside. The cave receives over a million visitors a year who pay homage at this most deified of sights. However, this has resulted in erosion to the cave floor caused by shoe wear and also (more disturbingly) by the theft of lumps of knob rock (not to be confused with the genital disorder). Not surprisingly the cave structure has become dangerously compromised. Engineers have been drafted in to fix the problem. One of the engineers is Dr Eric-Shun of the engineering firm ‘Doowex Booring Limited’:

The entry of many knobs has weakened the walls of the cave; a process known in the scientific fraternity as ‘knob erosion’. We plan to stave off knob erosion by pumping the cave full of a specially designed binding agent called ‘Knob Matter’ which we hope will protect the cave for prosperity and from future knob abuse”
A few hundred yards from Knob Cave lies, what to many, is the spiritual heart of Knobkind – the church of Knobianity, where the faithful rub shoulders with fellow knobs in the Knobitual.

The knobitual won’t be discussed here as it is quite complex but Knobianity, as a creed, has received much criticism from some of the older more established belief systems, who have realized that if there’s one thing they can’t stand more then atheists, its a young, rigorous, and what they perceive as, a snotty new up-start. These so called critics also point to what they call the ‘absurd’ and ‘loony’ basis of Knobianity.

Knob members have effectively silenced these critics (who are members of various belief systems themselves) by pointing to the absurdities inherent within their own belief systems such as the following:

i) The knob critics belief in an all powerful and omniscient man in the sky who created the whole universe (matter, galaxies, Peter Andre), but lacks self-confidence and needs constant reassurance on his divine providence and needs reminding of his greatness by requiring constant worship.

ii) This same being has given men and women natural feelings and emotions (such as the sexual urge and romantic love); but when you (surprise! surprise!) act according to these he will punish you forever and ever in the fires of a nasty place called Hell...but (now for the best bit) he’s only doing this cos he loves you!

Knobianity isn’t so strange now is it?

Monday, October 15, 2007

Coming soon...Travelogue of my trip to 'Knob World'

The grey morning peered through my bedroom window, took a look around, grumbled and then sat itself on my eye-lids. They fluttered open; muttering in the light and then shook my consciousness awake. My consciousness was not very happy about this as it was engaged in a softly-cushiony dream involving an evil lord of the dark, a beautiful princess called (obviously) 'Ashanti', and a heroic figure commandeering an army of knobs. My lips uttered blasphemy when the dream dissolved away: it was the best moment of the dream too; the knobs had triumphed and I, as their heroic leader, was about to ravish my prize, Ashanti, behind the cranberry bushes...

My disapointment snapped like an elastic eel when I realised that today was Sunday the 14th and what a momentious day too! For I would be meeting with 'K3' in the Horse and Hound Ale House and hopefully hitching a ride back to Andromeda. I jumped out of bed without a glance at the clock. One can't waste such a precious commodity as 'time' in bed. Action! Action! Action! - I ran to the shower and realised I was still wearing my socks from last night. I'd forgotten to take them off in anticipation of the morning to come; but the wine too was partly to blame...

'What shall I wear today?' was the main thought running through my mind as I scrubbed my teeth. I find that the 3 minutes I spend brushing my teeth are the most productive of the whole day as far as new ideas are concerned. I have stumbled upon some of my most revolutionary and brilliant thoughts whilst scrubbing my molars and today would be no exception: I'm wearing my funky poet blazer, a little scarf, my pointy black shoes and my brown semi-denim trousers (straight cut). I must admit all this Sartorial stuff has the singular affect of making me look like an intellectual giant and alludes to the sex bomb underneath...Poet extraordinaire, expert in headphone design and founder of the earthly incarnation of the Knob Club.

The message from the Radio Telescope was also nagging me in the background like a partly digested meal: 'spantaneous knob awareness' and only the '2nd known sponataneous knob awareness ever' - what did it all mean? I knew K3 would have some answers for me. What shall I pack in my satchel? After all I am going to the Andromeda Galaxy today...

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Calling all Knobs

Fellow Knobs, the following message was received yesterday at 08:14 GMT from the 'Arecibo Radio Telescope' engaged in the NASA SETI (search for extra-terrestrial intelligence) programme in the rainforests of Puerto Rico:

...Message Starts

"Knobs of earth!...your attention please. This is Supreme Knob 'K3' of the 'Galactic Knob Council' head-quartered in the Andromeda Galaxy. Our agents have been monitoring band-width from your insignificant little green planet and have intercepted certain communications regarding a 'chartered knob club' established on a little patch of land on your planet. I believe the little squibble of land is known as 'Grand Cayman' (though what is so grand about it i can't seem to fathom - but i digress)

If this is indeed true then it is of great interest to us. You see it is very rare for 'Knob Awareness' to arise spontaneously on a planet; especially on one as insignificantly unimportant as yours. Usually, the seeds of knob awareness are planted by the Galactic Knob Council's interplanetary 'Education Department' headed by Dr Knobbernator and his theologians. Since, we are not aware of any such education programmes being conducted furtively on your planet; the inescapable conclusion is quite astonishing to say the least:

Knob aware ness has arisen, it seems, on your planet without any seeding or influence from external agents

If this is indeed the case then it will be only the 2nd known spontaneous knob awareness in the history of the Galaxy. The 1st being that historic moment right at the beginning when 'K1' suddenly emerged squinting from a little cave (where he had been holed up for weeks) and immortally proclaimed: 'To be a Knob or not to be a Knob. That is the question. I am a Knob'. The rest is of course history and taught to countless students in our Galactic Knob University here in Andromeda. The cave has incidently been purchased by the Knob Council and been converted into a 'Memorabillia Store' and is also a sight of pilgrimage for the more obstinate and die-hard knobs.

Anyway, SPONTANEOUS knob awareness requires a highly developed intellect and well evolved sense of 'Place' or 'Spatial Awareness' - that is spatial awareness of one's place in evolutionary history and within the greater cosmos.

The Galactic Knob Council would very much like to meet the esteemed members of the Chartered Knob Club of Planet Earth - we are very excited to meet such eminent knobs with such developed Knob-Sense.

In this regard we will be visiting the cultural and intellectual centre of your planet (a city called London) on the 14th Of this month. We will be traveling via 'Hyperspatial Needlecast' and will be convening in the 'Horse and Hound' Public ale house in Islington, North London (E8). Please honour us with your presence. We'll be the slightly odd looking chaps, with flowering garbs and an air of the 'Bohemian' about us. You can’t miss us!"

Supreme Galactic Knob K3

...Message ends


Guys, I will be attending this. Not gonna miss it! Let me know if you can make it. Should be wicked!
Master Knob.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Coming soon...Arm-chair god (a game!)

Let's explore the mysteries of life the universe and everything from the comfort of your arm-chair...we will go on a wonderful journey together and explore the nooks and crannies of the human condition to the weird stuff lurking at the edges of the universe; we will tackle the most profoundest of questions and emerge victorious; having surveyed all there is to survey, only to exalt: 'Ha! Is that all there is God?'

The great thing about this game we’re about to play is that it requires no prior knowledge of the subject matter (nuffink), no fancy laboratory equipment, you don’t need to possess a high IQ to participate, nor a pen, no paper, no computer, no books, nothing! All you need is to have lived approximately >13 years (or thereabouts) – and that’s it!

So get comfortable and let’s play Arm-Chair God!