The bastardization of English begins as you set foot in this kaleidoscopic land: Buses demanding “Silence please” and trucks saying “Horn Ok Please”. My favourite is a car sticker that says: “Blow your horn / pay a fine”
India has a population of almost a billion souls, majority of whom live out their miserable lives below the poverty threshold in shit infested suburbs where the sickly aroma of cow dung infuses the air and dances with the sweet spices of evening meals. The aroma of Paprika powder may be a welcome respite from the filth infatuated air but the eyes don’t lie. This is how the majority of mankind lives. Scant attention to birth control and runaway libidos have led to ant-hills of human settlement in squalid city dwellings. It's a most desperate scene made more vivid with a mob of sun-dried reds and Del Monte oranges - the brush strokes of a colour fiend. The signs that litter the landscape provide a strange back-drop to the squalor: “No parking. If found guilty, all tyres will be deflated with extreme prejudice” reads one that is almost comical.
The local English newspapers have interesting classified sections that have many gems:
“We make you big boss in English conversation. Hypnotize people with your impressive talks”
Then there’s the sing-song nature of this bastardization. You can just imagine an Indian lolling his head from side to side whilst saying: “Lane driving is sane driving” or “reckless drivers kill and die / leaving all behind to cry” – then there’s the matrimonial sections that offer fine brides and read as if they’re selling a family heirloom: “our daughter is artful, homely, presentable and wheat-coloured”
The condiments that are served with English are not unlike the extras one gets in a curry house. They serve to spice up what is already a spicy offering and add much hue to an already colourful dish. The only problem is, how much of this can the brain take before morbid thoughts enter the arena. It’s enough to drive you crazy. Better get out quick before somebody asks you: “what is your good name?” – F**K do I hate that!
