aDoseOfPhilosophy - On Women

Greetings! -

Welcome again my greedy voracious caterpillar hungry readers. It is that time again, that time when you read the title above, smile, rub your hands in glee, make a cup of tea, sit comfortable, and proceed to swallow another teaspoon, nay another dose, of philosophy. Today's topic is on that wonderful confounded creature that has vexed man since time began, the woman.

Let us begin:

It is often said that women are from Venus and Men from Mars. But I disagree. Men are not from Mars. They are from earth and women from planet GodKnowsWhere.

Tell me, what is the first question a woman will ask a man whom she is considering dating?

Mm?

Any ideas?

Anyone?

No?

Let me tell you. She will ask him that 'find-out-everything-about-someone-in-one-sentence' question :

What do you do?

What do you do?! - in those four words, which, on there own, look so innocent and guiless, lies a whole life's worth of information about you. Asking someone what they do for a living, is the quickest and most efficient way of getting to the root of a person. Are you a teacher? (caring, sociable). Are you an accountant? (dull, precise, good with numbers). Are you a writer? (solitary, schizophrenic, phlegmatic, bipolar). Are you a photographer? (creative, poor, smelly, love cheese). Are you unemployed? (Idle, good-for-nothing lazybones). Are you a philosopher pondering life's mysteries? (mad, loopy, strange, wonderful, sexy?)

When a girl asks you what you do, you should reply as follows:

[girl] 'What do you do?'

[boy] ‘Well I er, don’t actually do anything'

[girl] 'What do you mean you don't do anything? Everybody does something'

[boy] ‘Well, I erm, don’t do anything - I’m just Me!’

[girl] 'Well how do you eat?'

'With my mouth'

'Yes, I know but with what?'

'My teeth?'

'No but...'

'With my hands?'

'Yes I know but with what?'

'I eat food'

'Yes I know! But what do you buy it with?'

'Oh! er, money'

'Yes, but you just told me you don't do anything so how...?'

'Oh I see. Well my tummy is so small, and my body so minor, and my wants so tiny, that I don't need much to live on. A hunk of bread, a bit of cheese, maybe a tomato, a spoonful of honey and water from the stream'

'But where do you sleep? You must have a roof over your head?'

'Yes I have a roof. It's called the sky'

'The sky?'

'Yes you know, the sky. It's up there!'

'Yes I know where it is! What about your bed?'

'The grass'

'And for light?'

'The moon and the stars'

'OK, but what about friends?'

'The crickets, the birds, the caterpillars, the insects and the worms that crawl through the soil and the hedgehogs and the monkeys...'

'Monkeys? What Monkeys? There's no Monkeys in London?

'In London Zoo they're are'

'What about companionship, like girls...female company???'

'Well, funnily enough, you're the first ever to show interest!'

[girl blinks]

[she blinks again]

_________

And then she turns around and slinks off. The man sits there scratching his head wondering what happened. He scratches his head and finds a big fat louse in his hair. He watches it wriggle between his fingers wanting to escape back into the greasy warmth of his bedraggled hair.

'Mm, protein' he says. And puts it in his mouth.

-THE END-