There are movies and then there are Roland Emmerich movies. The former give you time and space to think and make up your own mind. Roland Emmerich movies don't - they pound you into submission. Watching them is like going into a boxing ring and receiving blow after blow of punches. You leave the cinema utterly exhausted and in need of a rest. Tomorrow, Like Dr Faust, I'm going to sell my soul and watch the above Hollywood Blockbuster. The poster, as you can see, features an enormous Tsunami, and a plaintive looking monk (his crimson robe caught in the breeze - how romantic?), looking regretfully on, as the world is consumed by a huge bucket of water. Above the whole the caption reads: 'we were warned'. Yes indeed. Now, everything you need to know about this movie is written in that caption: 'we were warned'. How imaginative. You can just imagine the brainstorming session:
'OK guys, new movie. Worlds about to end. Big Blockbuster. We must come up with something deep for a caption'
'You know, something a little vague and sphinx like but not too vague as to be unfathomable, but simple enough for Mr and Mrs American Public to understand'
'Just a few words, little words, not big words, a small sentence. Any ideas?'
'We were told?'
'No. Good start though. But not sinister enough'
'We were threatened'
'Better but too sinister. Can't go round threatening people these days. You'll get sued'
'We were warned?'
'Mmm, Nice. Terence, your a genius!'
This movie will be an absolute stinker! I can smell it already. Totally rubbish. But I'm watching it anyway - why? Because I enjoy self-induced brain torture? No. Because I have nothing better to do? Er not quite. Because my legs are wilfully disobedient and will take me to it. No. Because firstly it's directed by Roland Emmerich - he of numerous cheese encrusted disaster movies fame (Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow). Each one of his movies has been a steadily ascending exercise in outdoing the previous offering in sheer visual spectacle and bravado. Secondly, this movie incorporates the age old gambit that past civilizations have much to teach us and that we ignore them at our peril - Wow, how original man. That's like, so far out there man. In the like, twilight zone man. Mm, where have I seen that one before? Raiders Of The Lost Ark?
Anyway, in the case of '2012' it's the turn of the ancient Mayan civilization of Guatemala to 'warn us' - and they did warn us but would humanity heed? Oh no! Too busy Christmas shopping and stocking up on mince pies and updating their Ipods to care. For maximum effect I'm watching this tomorrow morning at the rather anti-social and nihilistic hour of 09:30am. A time when the streets will be deserted and populated only with the dregs of Friday nights detritus. A good time if you ask me to watch the world die in a glorious death rattle, whilst everybody else in LondonTown is snugly snoozed up in bed.
OK, I admit. I'm only watching this for the special effects! Special Effects Porn that's what this movie is: 'We were warned'
More like: I was warned.
My only hope is that it is not half as bad as I think and believe it will be. Will let you know...if I live to tell, my sordid and gregarious tale. Must go prepared. Will take my Sennheiser noise cancellation headphones along too just in case!
V.
