Previously I was having a go at tourists. Now I will have a go at men with...mustachios. There is a well known quote which goes thus:
'When in Rome, do as the Romans do'
(St Ambrose)
The meaning of this is simple. Behave as those around you. Before I continue I'd just like to make absolutely clear that I am not a Fascist, or a Nazi nor a Communist. I'm a humanist. A humanist with strong opinions about er mustachios! Now, there will be some of you out there who will no doubt be vociferously saying: 'Leave the moustache alone! If it is bad God would never have invented it!'
To this I say: 'Piles, Boils, Aids, Smallpox, The Plague, Hernias, leaking nipples (leaking nipples?), Gonorrhoea, Herpes and bad-breath have all been given to us by God - so are they good? Must we like these things?'
Of course not!
So let's come back to the moustache. What is it about the moustache that really drives me mad? Well, there are a number of things:
1) A moustache looks like a bit of pubic hair above the lip. What sensible women would want to kiss that! If I was a women (which I evidently am not) I would never ever kiss a man with a moustache. Surely it must itch? No? Show me a women that loves a man with a moustache and I will show you a madwoman with no taste. Also, it must constitute a health hazard. Home to species new to science and all...
2) We live in the 21st Century. It is the year 2011. In the old days, one could be forgiven for nurturing a moustache (like one nurtures a vegetable patch in the garden) because, in those days, shaving was a real pain in the ass. Literally. You could die shaving. A nasty cut - infection - death! There was no Gillette Ultra-glide shaving foam, nor the 5-bladed Fusion blade razor with battery powered vibrating head - for extra close shaving. Walk into the mens section of any chemist and you will be assaulted by an entire range - nay a cornucopia - of mens shaving products. There is no excuse anymore to grow a squirrel above your lip. Shave it off Mankind!
3) Feminism - that social revolution that began with the Suffragette movement in the early 20th century and continued through to female empowerment; the right to work, the right to drive (bad idea), the right to er not be a house-wife anymore - this all culminated in the blurring of the boundary lines between manhood and womanhood. Men are now told to be 'sensitive' and to 'listen' and to 'be aware' and display 'interest' in womankind. Which is no bad thing (up to a certain point - women are rather complex creatures). So under the dawn of this feminist movement being 'Machismo' is out. This means mustachios are out too! But here is an interesting statistic: look around the world - look at the different countries - and consider how these countries treat women. You will find that in those countries where women are treated the worst - like rubbish - moustaches are still in fashion! For example Pakistan and Afghanistan treat women like property and most Pakistani men have mouches. So moustaches go hand-in-hand with female oppression, ignorance, bigotry, indolence, laziness, foolishness, intolerance, hypocrisy and er...lice - so shave them off!
However, if you are Freddy Mercury (lead singer of rock band Queen - my favourite band ever) then you are forgiven for having a moustache...because I said so so don't argue with me. Freddy can have a moustache if he wants to.
4) Moustaches are no longer cool dude. They went out of fashion when the top-hat and knee breeches went out of fashion. About a century ago. But I think there is something else at work here. In certain parts of the world, facial hair - has huge cultural significance. For a man brought up in that culture, steeped and soaked in it from birth, for such a man to shave off his moustache, is the same as coming out as gay, or saying 'I feel like a women, I'm gonna have a sex change'. It's a huge thing.
5) Would I ever grow a moustache? Fuck off! I'd rather shave off my eyebrows...
6) Hair is only made of a protein called Keratin. Your nails are made of the same protein but its molecular structure is arranged differently. The truth is that hair is just keratin. But society (me included) has given it a significance far beyond its actual real significance. Society has weaved an entire socio-political-religio-anthropological framework around the protein keratin. In Islam facial hair is a must and a sign of true belief. In Sikhism, one must never shave. In Punk music culture and Fascist ideologies - a shaved head is de-rigueur. And millions are spent annually by women and men on hair - to try and make it as beautiful and sleek as possible.
Hair is here to stay! Hair, be it facial upper lip pube, or curly-wurly coils, or oil drenched - is a statement of who we are. The world would not be the mixed and marvellous circus that it is without hair.
Yeah man! I'm converted! I've changed my mind. I'm growing a moustache!!!
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