As I sit on the upper deck of the double-decker bus - looking out of the window - squinting my eyes in the glare of full summer - I play a game: 'spot the fucking tourist' (STFT)
The aim of the game is simple: Spot the fucking tourist!
Naturally, I play the game with myself. There is no other on the bus willing to play this game with me. Not that I have asked anybody - that would be foolish - that could get me killed...you just don't talk to strangers on London buses...they're all criminals and thieves (except me of course).
Anyway, so I have been playing this game and I must say I have become rather good at it. Oh yes. I am now an expert at spotting fucking (you don't mind if I swear do you?) tourists.
You just know, you can just tell, its so obvious when you've spotted a tourist. How?
Well firstly they will be dressed as tourists. How do tourists dress? Let me tell you: all tourists wear new clothes. Yes brand new fucking clothes with the price-tags still attached! I have always wondered about this you know (no not the price tags, I meant the new clothes). Why do tourists always wear new clothes? Why do people buy new clothes for their holidays? What's wrong with the clothes they already have? If they're OK to wear in their home country then they should be OK for London? It's silly. It's weird. I never buy new clothes for a holiday. Besides I don't go on holidays per se...I go on adventures and exploratory missions...don't ever confuse me with a tourist. I don't belong to that species.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the only time you should be buying new clothes is when you need special clothing for a specific reason such as mountain wear or something for the desert or the beach. And besides, are you so vain as to think that the citizens of the country you are visiting actually care what you are wearing? You are not attending a wedding ceremony so people couldn't give a fuck if you're wearing new clothes or not! They couldn't care less! So don't buy new clothes! Your old clothes are fine. Trust me. I don't care if you wear new clothes. I'm not going to judge you differently am I?
Secondly, all tourists wear bags around their shoulders that are so clearly tourist bags full of cameras and other tourist stuff. You can tell! OK, I wear a bag around my shoulder but everybody knows I am not a tourist. I have never ever been a tourist. Even in foreign countries I am an....adventurer, an explorer - not a fucking tourist! (touched a nerve have we?)
Thirdly, all tourists walk around like zombies as if they are lost and looking for something. They look clueless, stupid and pathetic in their baseball caps and their shorts and New York Yankee T-shirts. Tell me, why the fuck would you want to wear a NY t-shirt in...London?? Huh?! What is that all about? Anyone? Even worst are those 'I Love London' t-Shirts....no self-respecting Londoner would ever, ever...ever...wear a 'I Love London' t-Shirt. Only idiotic tourists would do such a stupid thing. The whole world knows London is the best city in the world. No need to boast about it man! - and it's home to the coolest dude that ever walked the earth. Who? The Swashbuckling Vagabond of course.
Fourthly, you can spot a tourist, because they're eating in those rubbish over-priced steak houses that line the Charing Cross Road. Yes I am talking about the 'Aberdeen Steak House' - Hello?? Rip Off!! Don't go there. Don't be a mug. Don't waste your money. Go somewhere better. Like?
Like...I don't know. Somewhere not in a tourist trap area. Look, no London tourists are ever going to read this blog so no point me mentioning fine dining places in London. This is not a London Dining Guide (though if you want I might add a few restaurant reviews for a bit of fun)
Finally, the other item that points you out as a tourist (and really gets on my nerves) is when you have your camera slung around your neck as if it is a piece of gold jewelry. Don't do that fuckwit! A camera is not a gold-chain Senor tourist. A camera is a sophisticated piece of electronic equipment not a fashion accessory (this last comment applies especially to women)
So there you go. My rant is over.
I don't really hate tourists you know. I like them.
Actually I think they're rather er....cute.
...And er, lost...
....thinking they're all cool with their new clothes, and fanny-packs, and their cameras as jewelry.
Idiots!
